I have commemorated every life event with a post on my blog… and to not write something so dear to my heart would have been not honoring those two little souls that were Kunal and my everything for the last 4 months. Superstition has it in India that you do not announce the onset of pregnancy in fear that someone will cast an evil eye on you. So after treading the fine line between telling lies and slowly revealing to the inner circle about us being pregnant we had finally officially hit the 3 month mark where we could happily tell of our little secret to others. Oh what a happy time it was. Everything baby related just springs everyone’s attention including your Facebook timeline which thanks to the cookies on your electronic devices knows that you are pregnant. Advertisements from Stem Sell Banking to Baby Center offering a million dos and donts.
Despite eating the vitamins on time to avoiding Chinese Food… On Wednesday night Kunal lightly rubbed my belly for I was feeling so uneasy. It was the first time in my 18 weeks of pregnancy did I feel this discomfort. Maybe I was tired… could it have been that short walk from Starbucks to the car that has made me this tired ? Could it have been those maternity jeans that were tightening around my growing belly ? I couldn’t tell. These cramps that I had never before experienced just grew stronger and by Thursday morning I was going into full swing labour. To add to this, my water sac was lurching down. But call it prescense of mind or a twisted tale of fate… I reached the hospital before my water broke ! Miraculous… said the doctor. And put me on an operating table where they pushed my babies and the water sac upwards in what was called a complicated procedure which went on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. That day post the Cervix stitch, I was recovering well. I had paused all hopes and dreams for that one day which all came swinging back. HURDLES … I told myself… Kunal and I said silent prayers !
But they did not reach so much in time to our god… he gave me strength, but to what end ? On Friday evening I went into labour again. This time it was worse. The cramps started 15 minutes apart and started at 11 pm. They went on right through the night… well into the day… till I was told what I was silently pushing aside as cramps was labour pains… they got worse by around 6pm. They were 3 minutes apart and lasted 15 seconds each time… after which I lost count … more like I lost faith..
The doctor came in at 8pm to check me… but I had just bad news coming my way.. My water had broken… and now it was inevitable. My uterus was weak and couldn’t take the pressure and thus I was going into labour with the burgeoning of a twin pregnancy. But I had to ask one last question… lets try save one ? I asked… but this was not going to be possible either… And there I was, Sitting in a maternity gown on the cold steal of a hospital stretcher outside the operation theatre saying my last good bye to my darling husband who held my hand. He reassured me all was going to be okay.. !!
OKAY ? How does one see these amazing colourful dreams, think about what kind of parent one is going to be ? Think about all the values that are important and how to impart them to your offspring ? Think about all those birthday parties and school admission and play dates in your head all becoming a blurr and be OKAY ?
What happened next is a scene I will never forget… Waiting for the aesthetician to come in. Going into the operation room finally after 24 hours of being in labour. Getting the epidural shot… feeling that from the last of your toe nail to your head.. that white clock on the wall to my right showing 11 pm and being told by the doctor that it will last another 2-3 hours until I was fully dialated… that conversation with god for mercy… for not allowing this to go on any further… that ray of hope at 11 20 when I pushed and delivered FOESTUS A… that second push at 11 25 to deliver FOESTUS B…Pushing your tiny souls out of your uterus into this world they will never see… There was no cries of joy… there was no oh it’s a girl… it’s a boy… I had two of those… the room went silent. Their little bodies so tiny, they fit into the kidney shaped tray meant for surgical tools ! They were too small to survive the weight of the world. And what was worse, I, their mother, couldn’t do anything to save them.
To sit there crying on the table while the world just goes back to doing their job. The nurse pushing the drugs through the IV. The cleaning lady sweeping the rags from the floor. The doctor carrying my little babies out and away from me. They didn’t let me hold them… the trauma they say is something you never get over. The 4D scan from just a few days ago will never be cross referenced. The little ones were tied together into a white cloth and would have a burial the next day. They say you cant cremate them accordingly to the Hindu last rites. They meet their maker buried in a mix cemetery.
My father held my babies in his hand from the hospital to the cemetery the next morning. Each one took their turns to pay their last respects and that was the last of them. Now they remain as Foetus A and Foetus B in the bunch of medical reports along with a hospital discharge card … Mis-Carriage !
How easily it was written by the reception staff at the hospital. Once back home we had an array of visitors. Messages poured in from far and wide… some expected, some unexpected. Some sypamthetic and others just a simple line saying they are sorry. Days have gone by.. precisely 40. The tears have dried up.
"Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good."- Beatrix Potter
Today, I can truthfully say I'm happy. Happier than I've been in the last 40 days. Which may seem unusual coming from someone who just experienced a loss. I've had friends comment on how well I seem to be doing, questioning how I remain so positive? I don't have a logical answer, except for this: I believe that our baby is coming. Next month, next year, next decade - the when doesn't matter anymore. How do I know? Through intuition, dreams, and inner dialogues with our child - all things that cannot be scientifically explained or rationalized. I just have an undeniable, unshakable belief.
"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit" - Emmanuel Teney
And I understand that this will be a part of my story, even if it's the very first chapter of a long dramatic novel. No matter what the outcome, these struggles are defining my character, strengthening my resilience, growing my compassion and shaping me into the person I need to become.
"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul". – Max Ehrmann
Please know, I didn't write this post for sympathy. More than anything, I wrote it to reach out to other women dealing with Miscarriage. Quite a few of you, more than any of us may think, are going through similar trials and emotions. Everyday I hear an aunt or my friends talk about their miscarriage, I was surprised by the number of couples who have gone through this painful loss. My friend and her husband went to a seminar to educate themselves about what they were up against - the auditorium was packed, standing room only.
So loves, if you think this is the end to start a family, whether you've been trying for a year, or five, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hold my hand out to you, so we may walk this path together.
FOETUS A : 244 gms, A baby boy… My little Nandi
FOESTUS B : 252 gms, A baby girl… My little Sacha